Before heading over to Korea i’ve been warned by a lot of people not to keep my expectations too high because there isn’t much to expect there. In that sense, I jumped into exchange not knowing what to expect, and I’ve admitted I was scared to many people. I was scared of a lot of big things and a lot of small things, of whether I’ll make friends or be alone, of whether the dorm toilets will be dirty.
But now I’ve lived about a month in Korea and I think I’m comfortable enough to say that I love it here. I don’t feel like a foreigner in this place. A couple of times and moments of displacement are inevitable, but you know how sometimes people feel like they don’t belong at all? I felt that in a lot of countries i went traveling or vacation. I felt that in Japan, in Indonesia, in Malaysia, in Australia, in the US… that I just want to go home and I can’t wait to do so, and that i can’t ever imagine living in those countries. But I haven’t felt that in Korea. Perhaps it’s because I can speak the language a little bit. Perhaps it’s the culture that I’ve fallen in love with. Or perhaps it’s the friends, the other precious SMU kids I’ve been going places with, and the Korean friends that I’ve met along the way that made me feel like I’m not alone in a foreign place. Perhaps it’s their smiles, their laughter, the way they reach out to me, the way we talk as if we’ve been friends for life. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been wanting this for a long time. Perhaps it’s finally meeting SNSD, and doing all the things I wanted to do as a fan, something that’s long overdue since I first became a fan.
I can’t pinpoint the exact reason but all I do know, is that this feels almost like another home already. Here in this small dorm on the 8th floor of Sogang dormitories, I feel like I’m not in a foreign place. Instead I feel like this is the place that will change me to be a better person, that will inspire me, that will become a journey i will remember for a long time to come. The belief grows stronger everyday and I hold on to it tightly because I finally realize the transience of it all and how in many parts of my life I’ve made the mistake of letting the hours tick by aimlessly. Now I know and I cling on to every moment in this journey. Every smile exchanged, every greeting, every of our little conversationns and laughters, every of our petty squabbles or irritated gestures, every stranger i’ve shared a moment with, every breeze that chilled us to the bones and every ray of sun that provided relief. I’ll cling on to the dying breath of winter and the whispers of spring. I’ll cherish every moment I get to attend a music show or an SNSD event that thousands of people everywhere else wish they could attend, and I’ll do the best within my means to share the stories in detail to all these fans. I’ll hold on to every expression of sincere gratitude from them, and I’ll try harder.
I will remain committed to this blog even if there are lazy days, because unlike the me in the past, I won’t look for instant gratification anymore and instead realize how some things go a very long way. This is one of those things. Remaining committed to this blog, although it can sometimes be a chore, will become of the most precious things I will look back on in the future. When life gets tough or mundane I’ll read what I have written here and remember that I’ve had the privilege of living out a dream once. I’ll remember how at my lowest point in life, going to Korea for exchange had been the only hope I was clinging onto, and I focused all of my efforts to improve my grades to achieve that goal. I’ll remember how far I’ve come in the Korean language, so much so that it still feels like a dream when I talk fluently in Korean. I’ll remember all of that and hopefully it will inspire the future me to start creating new dreams and adventures just like this one.
I’ve come to realize that if I don’t think and count by the days, I would never take on this exchange with the same attitude. If I think that I still have 4 months or if I continuously think it’s okay to skip out on ‘ordinary’ opportunities like having a meal with a friend, I’m going to be missing out on memories that will shape the rest of my life. The journey that I began almost all alone… this is the journey i felt was the most important in my life and that feeling has never changed until now.
So this is my very honest thoughts, and I’m sharing this here because after all, self-reflection was one of the main purposes of this exchange for me.
Till next time~
darmawanders 