If you read the title and know the song I quoted it from, i love you already. The line is from ‘Lost Stars’, a soundtrack featured in Begin, Again. It’s a story about two musicians who lost themselves somewhere along life, but helped each other find themselves once again through sincere music and passion. And the song Lost Stars is a song that’s full of questions and no answers. But that is exactly why I am in love with the song, because in life we have so many questions and so little answers. Often what we think are answers only lead to more questions. So like the song suggests, we’re just all lost stars, trying to find meaning and to light up the dark.
The reason I’m randomly quoting this is because I want to talk about a conversation i had with the BF last night. While lying in the dark munching on peanuts, he started talking like he never really did before. He’s a practical person and always talked like he figured life out already and it’s super simple. And he always tells me I think too much. But i think the nervousness of starting a new career that might just consume him entirely, made him voice his insecurities. So he finally asked a question I thought he would never ask. What’s the purpose of life?
I wasn’t confident I can give him answers at all. So I just told him what I feel I should do with my life. That is, I want to leave my mark on this world, leave positive impacts on people no matter how small, and know that I didn’t just pass through this world without making others’ lives better. And he asked again, but what’s the purpose of life? What’s the purpose that I need to do all of that? What’s the ultimate goal?
I told him, it’s so that others can have better lives. And he asked yet again, what’s the purpose of life? What’s the purpose of THEIR lives, if I’m going to make their lives better then what is it for?
It’s a continuous cycle isn’t it. I realized what he wanted to know wasn’t what I wanted to live for, but why we’re given this life. What’s the end goal? What’s the point of being happy and making a difference if we all die eventually?
So I told him the right answer. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s the ultimate purpose, if there’s something bigger than this, but I told him it doesn’t matter. Since this life is already given to us for idk what goddamn purpose, then why not we make use of it? I told him we don’t have to know the purpose, in order to know what we want to do with our lives.
I quoted this famous quote by Ram Dass that I really like, “We’re all just walking each other home.” In the end we’re all just accompanying each other to find our own purpose and meaning. I believe firmly that we co-exist for a reason. This does not equate to having to always be with people, but this means that we are shaped by the people we meet, for the better or worse. Knowing I’m going to shape the lives of every person I meet, in some way or another, I want to do it positively.
He challenged me then, so can he aim to be really rich and spend it on himself? Is that wrong, since there is no ultimate purpose in life that we need to work towards, and that it’s just what kind of meaning we want to find in life. I told him you’re right, there’s nothing wrong. But I also told him I know that’s not really what he wants. I may not fully understand him but I do know enough to believe he would never be satisfied with that kind of life. The fact that he was asking and challenging already showed that he yearns for something much much more, bigger than life. And he hasn’t found it yet. That was why the least he can do for himself now is to become someone amazing in societal standards, until he finds it. I felt really guilty because I had accused him before of yielding to standards and pressure, without realizing he does it because he still hasn’t found what he’s seeking for. But he’s seeking. What I’m most guilty of, was not realizing that he’s still seeking.
He has no answers. And I said, it doesn’t matter. Damn it doesn’t matter. We might spend our entire lives searching for meaning, but that’s much better than assuming that you should live your life forever in a certain way just because it’s how people do it, and that’s the easiest way out. I rather we wonder forever, than settle for something we can’t say with conviction.
In the end, I told him I don’t care how long it takes. But when you tell me what you think your purpose or meaning is, you best damn tell me with real conviction that you believe in it. And I will do the same, when I find mine.
darmawanders 